Well, all of you have had a chance to read about me and some of the craziness that I have gone through as a mom and a military spouse. What a lot of you don't know though is the bad, ugly stuff that I rarely talk about. The things that really keep me up at night and cause my stress and my anxiety as well as my PTSD. I joined a online support group this morning at www.supportgroups.com and I am really looking forward to the insight and support of others to help me get through some things and overcome other things so I can remain healthy physically and mentally.
My husband and I have a lot of fun together but we aren't the perfect couple. Like all marriages we have gone through things but the difference in us and others is that we kinda use to the trial and error approach. Seems we often think about what we want now verses the outcome and the consequence. Kinda like our children I suppose.
It was really hard for me to fall in love with my husband as I tried so hard not to. I had been in a previous marriage where I was cheated on, the other marriage the gy was a jerk and abused me physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally and every other way you can think to the point of trying to kill me after holding me hostage in a field for a few days and raping me repeatedly. The one before that was abusive as well in a lot of different ways but was really more of a drug addict. Those are the serious relationships of my life. So in essence I am working on my 3rd marriage and I didn't want it in the beginning. It was hard to fall for a guy that was perfect in my eyes and I spent the first several years just waiting for him to mess up. When I started to trust him and give him 100% of me he gave me reason to fall back into building walls and he lost my trust. I know 2 wrongs do not make a right but I have grown really cold over the years and I broke the only rle I have ever made for me. I lied. I lied to him, to myself, my friends and family and eventually met someone else online. It happened by coincidence really and in a few weeks I was talkign tot his person, going to see this person and then found my self in an affair. I thought that this was someone I could really open up too and care for and allow to care for me. MAN, was I ever wrong. Less than a month later he raped me. Since that time he has threatened my life, my daughters life, my husband and his career and it just goes on and on. Thankfully after telling my husband about the craziness he took me back because he does love me and we started over. Since the restart it's been hard to connect. Seems like the more I do the more he wants and then he acts like I am the only one who has ever done anything wrong and that I owe him. I would love to throw something at him and scream you started it, but I am 100% sure that isnt going to help anything. We are intimate but it's hard to be intimate after the rape. I feel uncomfortable. I don't want to have sex during the day or wit the lights on and I always feel dirty and disgusting afterwards. THAT IS NOT NORMAL. Since I have suffered from PTSD for a lot of years due to being almost murdered I know that this is a common emotion after the fact but that happened in June... Why am I still feeling this way. I have made rules and stipulations to my husband and my sex life and there are times we go for 2 weeks without intimacy. THAT ISN'T NORMAL EITHER. I am not sure where to go from here so I joined a support group online. I joined several actually. Every time I go to a doctor and mention anything like this they always try anti-depressants and I am not depressed. Once doc gave me ativan. I am not anxious either. I may have a anger management problem but thats been there since my teen years and I am not screaming, yelling, throwing things or trying to hurt others so it is more than likely not that serious if I do. I just want to move on and not spend the rest of my life looking back. I am really tired of feeling the way that I do and worrying about this guy who raped me in June and wondering if he is stalking me again, following me, watching my home, watching my daughter, plotting to hurt my family and so on. That is hard to get over but I am trying. It's definitely no way to live your life. That's a fact.
I want to get out of here and get closer to my family so I will feel comfortable and start the process of healing and be able to trust folks that are around me. That is my first goal for sure. Prior to reaching that goal though I need to be able to connect with my husband because I do love him and I hate that I ever did anything to hurt him and hate that I am unable to connect with him the way I use to. It bothers me that our sex life is in shambles and that it isn't something pleasurable anymore. It kills me that having sex is emotionally painful and that I always feel like he is never satisfied because no matter what I do it is never enough. That is one of the reasons I kinda left to begin with. He is sexually the energizer bunny and wants to try new and exciting things every single day even if they cause me pain, make me feel uncomfortable or if they are embarrassing to me where I on the other hand just want to be with him and am satisfied with him and our sex life with out all the bells and whistles. We are so different in that area. It's no reason to end our marriage though. There has to be a middle ground and there has to be a way to push past all this to find it.
If any of my readers have any suggestions please let me know. I know my blog is about life as a busy sports mom but this is part of my life as well.
I know that was a lot of information in a very short time but it's a quick minute into my life. A minute of me if you will....
I pray none of you ever have to go through anything like this and please know I am always here for you if you have, you do, and you want to talk.
Here is to hoping that the support group will bring success to my sex life and that I will be able to find peace and let go of the past.
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