Well, all of you have had a chance to read about me and some of the craziness that I have gone through as a mom and a military spouse. What a lot of you don't know though is the bad, ugly stuff that I rarely talk about. The things that really keep me up at night and cause my stress and my anxiety as well as my PTSD. I joined a online support group this morning at www.supportgroups.com and I am really looking forward to the insight and support of others to help me get through some things and overcome other things so I can remain healthy physically and mentally.
My husband and I have a lot of fun together but we aren't the perfect couple. Like all marriages we have gone through things but the difference in us and others is that we kinda use to the trial and error approach. Seems we often think about what we want now verses the outcome and the consequence. Kinda like our children I suppose.
It was really hard for me to fall in love with my husband as I tried so hard not to. I had been in a previous marriage where I was cheated on, the other marriage the gy was a jerk and abused me physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally and every other way you can think to the point of trying to kill me after holding me hostage in a field for a few days and raping me repeatedly. The one before that was abusive as well in a lot of different ways but was really more of a drug addict. Those are the serious relationships of my life. So in essence I am working on my 3rd marriage and I didn't want it in the beginning. It was hard to fall for a guy that was perfect in my eyes and I spent the first several years just waiting for him to mess up. When I started to trust him and give him 100% of me he gave me reason to fall back into building walls and he lost my trust. I know 2 wrongs do not make a right but I have grown really cold over the years and I broke the only rle I have ever made for me. I lied. I lied to him, to myself, my friends and family and eventually met someone else online. It happened by coincidence really and in a few weeks I was talkign tot his person, going to see this person and then found my self in an affair. I thought that this was someone I could really open up too and care for and allow to care for me. MAN, was I ever wrong. Less than a month later he raped me. Since that time he has threatened my life, my daughters life, my husband and his career and it just goes on and on. Thankfully after telling my husband about the craziness he took me back because he does love me and we started over. Since the restart it's been hard to connect. Seems like the more I do the more he wants and then he acts like I am the only one who has ever done anything wrong and that I owe him. I would love to throw something at him and scream you started it, but I am 100% sure that isnt going to help anything. We are intimate but it's hard to be intimate after the rape. I feel uncomfortable. I don't want to have sex during the day or wit the lights on and I always feel dirty and disgusting afterwards. THAT IS NOT NORMAL. Since I have suffered from PTSD for a lot of years due to being almost murdered I know that this is a common emotion after the fact but that happened in June... Why am I still feeling this way. I have made rules and stipulations to my husband and my sex life and there are times we go for 2 weeks without intimacy. THAT ISN'T NORMAL EITHER. I am not sure where to go from here so I joined a support group online. I joined several actually. Every time I go to a doctor and mention anything like this they always try anti-depressants and I am not depressed. Once doc gave me ativan. I am not anxious either. I may have a anger management problem but thats been there since my teen years and I am not screaming, yelling, throwing things or trying to hurt others so it is more than likely not that serious if I do. I just want to move on and not spend the rest of my life looking back. I am really tired of feeling the way that I do and worrying about this guy who raped me in June and wondering if he is stalking me again, following me, watching my home, watching my daughter, plotting to hurt my family and so on. That is hard to get over but I am trying. It's definitely no way to live your life. That's a fact.
I want to get out of here and get closer to my family so I will feel comfortable and start the process of healing and be able to trust folks that are around me. That is my first goal for sure. Prior to reaching that goal though I need to be able to connect with my husband because I do love him and I hate that I ever did anything to hurt him and hate that I am unable to connect with him the way I use to. It bothers me that our sex life is in shambles and that it isn't something pleasurable anymore. It kills me that having sex is emotionally painful and that I always feel like he is never satisfied because no matter what I do it is never enough. That is one of the reasons I kinda left to begin with. He is sexually the energizer bunny and wants to try new and exciting things every single day even if they cause me pain, make me feel uncomfortable or if they are embarrassing to me where I on the other hand just want to be with him and am satisfied with him and our sex life with out all the bells and whistles. We are so different in that area. It's no reason to end our marriage though. There has to be a middle ground and there has to be a way to push past all this to find it.
If any of my readers have any suggestions please let me know. I know my blog is about life as a busy sports mom but this is part of my life as well.
I know that was a lot of information in a very short time but it's a quick minute into my life. A minute of me if you will....
I pray none of you ever have to go through anything like this and please know I am always here for you if you have, you do, and you want to talk.
Here is to hoping that the support group will bring success to my sex life and that I will be able to find peace and let go of the past.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Another Great Day!
What a great morning.... Kind Of, Sort Of, Really...
I read or heard somewhere that it is impossible to be stressed or to be depressed if your are being thankful and I honestly believe that is the most truth I have ever heard or read in my entire life. Well, that and the bible.
I woke this morning to 23 degree weather and high winds. In most people's lives this would NEVER matter but in mine it does. I have severe arthritis and some other great diagnosis that I won't bore you with BUT cold effects me. So in pain and sore and really just tense and rigid I wake and get Cassie going like I do most day's and make it to my garage where my vehicle is. Thankfully the garage is insulated so it is relatively warm and my car is never "cold" and I never have to get out in the cold but the feeling of cold makes it to my bones and joints anyway.
So, off to school we go and I get her dropped off. On the way home I am thinking about how hungry I am and totally forget that my dear hubby won't be coming home for breakfast. I had left my purse at home and had no money with me so I had to come home to get it. When I returned home and parked in the garage I realized my stomach can wait. I am exhausted and in pain so once I make it to my bed again where I know I will be warm and in less pain I will call the hubby.
When I dialed his number it hit me that he isn't coming home this morning, I may not see him until lunch time actually. Once he answered I heard it to be the truth... I also heard in my husbands voice something I hadn't heard in a long time. Weakness, shaking, and fear. I have to admit it gave me the eeriest feeling ever. He had left home with no money as well but had also forgotten to take his BP med's and his heart rate was up with his BP which makes him anxious and he was about to have a panic attack. Alarmed I offered to bring his med's and some breakfast. He accepted so out into the cold I go once more.
After a 15 minute wait at BK for a couple sausage biscuits and his taters and power-ade I head across post to the COF where he is at with the commander and some other guys. Once I arrive he is sitting in his car waiting on me and quickly let me know he was released and could go home and have breakfast there... SERIOUSLY? I mean what in the hell is going on here?
All the way across post I was trying my best to be thankful. I am thankful that I have a car, a warm car and that my husband is okay and that traffic isn't bad and that it had warmed up 2 degrees in the last hour and then out of nowhere I see my husband fly though an intersection and I get caught at the light. Suddenly I am not so thankful anymore. He is going to beat me home. He is going to be there where it is warm and I am sitting here stuck in traffic because I didn't take the side roads. When the light turned green I floored my navigator and cut off some oncoming traffic and wheeled onto O'Connell road here at Fort Carson. Speeding up the road to the next turn I look down to see that I am running 45 mph and post speed limit is 30 mph. To hell with it.... I make the next turn and then the immediate left and another immediate left to see the end of my husbands mountaineer headed around the curve. I am really driving up the one way street thankful that I caught up to him and enjoying my little race even though I know I am the only one racing.
Or am I?
Is he trying to beat me home?
That thought overtakes me for a second when I come around the curve a little too fast and he is stopped completely in the road waiting on the water delivery guy to move outta the way so he can go forward. Of course I had to lock up my vehicle and yes the tires screeched!
The water guy is taking his sweet time and in no hurry obviously. He apparently gets paid by the hour, not per delivery otherwise he would be hauling ass... What a jerk I thought, when it hit me I am so glad I do not have his job. It would suck to be out in this cold windy weather delivering water to people who could care less about me and about the fact that I am freezing at the moment while delivering their water... I am so lucky and I feel that luck even more when I see him getting back into his truck and beginning to pull off.
I AM LUCKY because he had pulled onto the other side of our one way street and again I put my foot to the floor, whipped my navigator around the mountaineer my husband was driving. I ran the little stop sign at the playground but I slowed at least and before getting to the house I hit the garage door opener and by the time I made it into my drive, TADA, the garage door was up and I whipped in there, turned off the car and exited the car. As I was closing the utility room door I heard my husbands car door closing. I got up the stairs and onto the bed and grabbed this laptop before he could get upstairs. I looked casually his way when he entered the bedroom and asked, "What took you so long"? He laughed and just shook his head. Heading into the bathroom he smiled at me and said "You cheated". As he shut the bathroom door I am sure I was beaming with my Cheshire cat grin. I realized at that very moment that I have a great life. I have a great relationship. Of course we fight and have disagreements and we always will but that's the beauty of it isn't it...
Our day's often run together and we are so busy in our lives. Everyday there is work and ball practice and our schedules are pretty routine. Wake at 0645, out the door by 0730 (hopefully) breakfast at 0800 and work from 0800 to 1130 and then lunch then work from 1200 to 1500 (3pm) and then pick up Cassie at 1700 (5pm) and then dinner at 1730 (530 pm) and then more basketball at 1830 (630pm) until 2030 (830pm) then home to get ready for the next day so we can do it all over again. When we jump out of the ordinary everyday schedule we make for ourselves we find excitement, fun, spontaneity, and reasons to be even more thankful than we already are.
I am sure that the occurrence of this morning will NEVER happen again but I am also sure that I will not ever forget it either. Not every day we have is great and not every day we have is even good. Sometimes they are really horrible, no good, less than par kinda days.
It's hard for me to even find what I have in common with my husband sometimes.
Sometimes I ask myself, WHAT WAS I THINKING? WHAT DID I SEE IN HIM? Sound familiar or even awful? Sure it does but I am human... I have a right to question myself, sit in wonderment or amazement at my decisions, and even ask the questions or think of the what if's. I am glad I have that "free will", that right. Every time I think of those things I find new things that I love and adore about my husband. I always find the fault in our relationship and our marriage and I also always find the purpose and reasons of our marriage. What makes us tick, makes us happy, makes us an amazing couple and friends and why it is exactly that I love him so much and why I don't want to spend one day, let alone one second without him.
This is another great day!
A fun moment that only he and I shared and one that both will remember for a life time.
So, NO, you can not be stressed, anxious, depressed, or anything negative while you are being thankful. This morning I am thankful that I was able to drag my butt across post just so I could race him back to the house.
By the way he is feeling great now.
And So Am I...
I read or heard somewhere that it is impossible to be stressed or to be depressed if your are being thankful and I honestly believe that is the most truth I have ever heard or read in my entire life. Well, that and the bible.
I woke this morning to 23 degree weather and high winds. In most people's lives this would NEVER matter but in mine it does. I have severe arthritis and some other great diagnosis that I won't bore you with BUT cold effects me. So in pain and sore and really just tense and rigid I wake and get Cassie going like I do most day's and make it to my garage where my vehicle is. Thankfully the garage is insulated so it is relatively warm and my car is never "cold" and I never have to get out in the cold but the feeling of cold makes it to my bones and joints anyway.
So, off to school we go and I get her dropped off. On the way home I am thinking about how hungry I am and totally forget that my dear hubby won't be coming home for breakfast. I had left my purse at home and had no money with me so I had to come home to get it. When I returned home and parked in the garage I realized my stomach can wait. I am exhausted and in pain so once I make it to my bed again where I know I will be warm and in less pain I will call the hubby.
When I dialed his number it hit me that he isn't coming home this morning, I may not see him until lunch time actually. Once he answered I heard it to be the truth... I also heard in my husbands voice something I hadn't heard in a long time. Weakness, shaking, and fear. I have to admit it gave me the eeriest feeling ever. He had left home with no money as well but had also forgotten to take his BP med's and his heart rate was up with his BP which makes him anxious and he was about to have a panic attack. Alarmed I offered to bring his med's and some breakfast. He accepted so out into the cold I go once more.
After a 15 minute wait at BK for a couple sausage biscuits and his taters and power-ade I head across post to the COF where he is at with the commander and some other guys. Once I arrive he is sitting in his car waiting on me and quickly let me know he was released and could go home and have breakfast there... SERIOUSLY? I mean what in the hell is going on here?
All the way across post I was trying my best to be thankful. I am thankful that I have a car, a warm car and that my husband is okay and that traffic isn't bad and that it had warmed up 2 degrees in the last hour and then out of nowhere I see my husband fly though an intersection and I get caught at the light. Suddenly I am not so thankful anymore. He is going to beat me home. He is going to be there where it is warm and I am sitting here stuck in traffic because I didn't take the side roads. When the light turned green I floored my navigator and cut off some oncoming traffic and wheeled onto O'Connell road here at Fort Carson. Speeding up the road to the next turn I look down to see that I am running 45 mph and post speed limit is 30 mph. To hell with it.... I make the next turn and then the immediate left and another immediate left to see the end of my husbands mountaineer headed around the curve. I am really driving up the one way street thankful that I caught up to him and enjoying my little race even though I know I am the only one racing.
Or am I?
Is he trying to beat me home?
That thought overtakes me for a second when I come around the curve a little too fast and he is stopped completely in the road waiting on the water delivery guy to move outta the way so he can go forward. Of course I had to lock up my vehicle and yes the tires screeched!
The water guy is taking his sweet time and in no hurry obviously. He apparently gets paid by the hour, not per delivery otherwise he would be hauling ass... What a jerk I thought, when it hit me I am so glad I do not have his job. It would suck to be out in this cold windy weather delivering water to people who could care less about me and about the fact that I am freezing at the moment while delivering their water... I am so lucky and I feel that luck even more when I see him getting back into his truck and beginning to pull off.
I AM LUCKY because he had pulled onto the other side of our one way street and again I put my foot to the floor, whipped my navigator around the mountaineer my husband was driving. I ran the little stop sign at the playground but I slowed at least and before getting to the house I hit the garage door opener and by the time I made it into my drive, TADA, the garage door was up and I whipped in there, turned off the car and exited the car. As I was closing the utility room door I heard my husbands car door closing. I got up the stairs and onto the bed and grabbed this laptop before he could get upstairs. I looked casually his way when he entered the bedroom and asked, "What took you so long"? He laughed and just shook his head. Heading into the bathroom he smiled at me and said "You cheated". As he shut the bathroom door I am sure I was beaming with my Cheshire cat grin. I realized at that very moment that I have a great life. I have a great relationship. Of course we fight and have disagreements and we always will but that's the beauty of it isn't it...
Our day's often run together and we are so busy in our lives. Everyday there is work and ball practice and our schedules are pretty routine. Wake at 0645, out the door by 0730 (hopefully) breakfast at 0800 and work from 0800 to 1130 and then lunch then work from 1200 to 1500 (3pm) and then pick up Cassie at 1700 (5pm) and then dinner at 1730 (530 pm) and then more basketball at 1830 (630pm) until 2030 (830pm) then home to get ready for the next day so we can do it all over again. When we jump out of the ordinary everyday schedule we make for ourselves we find excitement, fun, spontaneity, and reasons to be even more thankful than we already are.
I am sure that the occurrence of this morning will NEVER happen again but I am also sure that I will not ever forget it either. Not every day we have is great and not every day we have is even good. Sometimes they are really horrible, no good, less than par kinda days.
It's hard for me to even find what I have in common with my husband sometimes.
Sometimes I ask myself, WHAT WAS I THINKING? WHAT DID I SEE IN HIM? Sound familiar or even awful? Sure it does but I am human... I have a right to question myself, sit in wonderment or amazement at my decisions, and even ask the questions or think of the what if's. I am glad I have that "free will", that right. Every time I think of those things I find new things that I love and adore about my husband. I always find the fault in our relationship and our marriage and I also always find the purpose and reasons of our marriage. What makes us tick, makes us happy, makes us an amazing couple and friends and why it is exactly that I love him so much and why I don't want to spend one day, let alone one second without him.
This is another great day!
A fun moment that only he and I shared and one that both will remember for a life time.
So, NO, you can not be stressed, anxious, depressed, or anything negative while you are being thankful. This morning I am thankful that I was able to drag my butt across post just so I could race him back to the house.
By the way he is feeling great now.
And So Am I...
Monday, December 15, 2014
Am I Crazy or just plain ole Crazy?
So, of all day's it is a Monday and of course on Sunday night like every "great"mom in the world I make Cassie lay out her Monday morning clothes, ask her to get her basketball bag together and her gym bag ready as well as her book bag. I watch her do it and look over her clothes and make sure she has all her things together. AM I NUTS? I know that what she is laying out to wear is appropriate and I know she has everything ready for gym and for basketball practice and I even make sure she has her clock set for the right time so she doesnt feel rushed. I AM NUT'S!
Clock goes off this morning at 0645 and I yell from my room down the hall to see if she is up and she replies "YES", only for me to actually go into her room at 0700 to find that she is sitting on the foot of her bed and hasn't even made a move yet, I prompt her to get it in gear and 7 minutes later she emerges from her room with her hair a mess and clothes on that were not what we agreed to last night and she looks at me blankly when I ask her to get her head out of her ass and get it together, like I have lost it. Yes, Me! I am the crazy one. 15 minutes later I am still rushing her to come on and grab her bags so we can get going. She is mouthing at every turn and mumbling under her breath which is more than annoying and is upset when I tell her that she is going to be late. Somehow this turns into my fault...
Really???
Finally out the door and headed to school. Adrian met us at home so he and I could have breakfast after dropping her at school and even he is upset that our Monday morning has turned into this turmoil. Pulling up to school I begin to tell Cassie that I love her and that I was only blowing smoke when I stated she will have to ride the bus from now on until forever and I am wishing her a good day. When she open s the back door of the navigator to go to school I realize she is only swinging her bright neon pink book bag up on her shoulder and that she hadn't taken her gym bag for PE class and she doesnt have her Basketball practice bag either. I smile and tell her that I love her and hope she has a great day.
After retiring to my bedroom upon returning from breakfast I get a call from the school. It's Cassie. "hey mom, are you busy?" Not really Cassie, Whats going on? Are you in trouble? (I ask this because with Cassie you just never know) "No, mom, ya know the blue folder that I use for my homework?" Yeah, why? "Well I left it on the couch. Can you bring it to me?" Sure Cassie, Dad will drop it at school when he leaves for work. "Thanks mama, I love you" I love you to bug, have a great day.
That was the entire conversation that took all of 30 seconds but realized I am a very lucky woman/mother to have such an awesome little girl that feels the need to tell me she loves me even after a morning like the one we had.
At lunch she calls to see how I am doing and how my day is and I realize I am just plain ole crazy. Not because our mornings are hectic and busy and because I expect things to go the way I planned them to but because I actually pressure myself to pressure my kid to do things a certain way. I know it is an impossible thought to even think that I could get my 12 year old to organize and follow every direction and rule I give to her. I am also crazy to think that my life is anything other than perfect. We may have wild Monday mornings, and my kid forgets everything under the sun and would forget her head if it wasn't attached but I know that I am also crazy to feel that it should all happen like it did on the beaver c leaver show or on the brady bunch show.
Far from the brady's but better off I suppose because what we ahve is real and it isn't scripted and made up. You can't ever really replace the way a mother connects with her child and vice versa.
I'm okay with crazy! Matter of fact I love crazy now that I know what it is.
Clock goes off this morning at 0645 and I yell from my room down the hall to see if she is up and she replies "YES", only for me to actually go into her room at 0700 to find that she is sitting on the foot of her bed and hasn't even made a move yet, I prompt her to get it in gear and 7 minutes later she emerges from her room with her hair a mess and clothes on that were not what we agreed to last night and she looks at me blankly when I ask her to get her head out of her ass and get it together, like I have lost it. Yes, Me! I am the crazy one. 15 minutes later I am still rushing her to come on and grab her bags so we can get going. She is mouthing at every turn and mumbling under her breath which is more than annoying and is upset when I tell her that she is going to be late. Somehow this turns into my fault...
Really???
Finally out the door and headed to school. Adrian met us at home so he and I could have breakfast after dropping her at school and even he is upset that our Monday morning has turned into this turmoil. Pulling up to school I begin to tell Cassie that I love her and that I was only blowing smoke when I stated she will have to ride the bus from now on until forever and I am wishing her a good day. When she open s the back door of the navigator to go to school I realize she is only swinging her bright neon pink book bag up on her shoulder and that she hadn't taken her gym bag for PE class and she doesnt have her Basketball practice bag either. I smile and tell her that I love her and hope she has a great day.
After retiring to my bedroom upon returning from breakfast I get a call from the school. It's Cassie. "hey mom, are you busy?" Not really Cassie, Whats going on? Are you in trouble? (I ask this because with Cassie you just never know) "No, mom, ya know the blue folder that I use for my homework?" Yeah, why? "Well I left it on the couch. Can you bring it to me?" Sure Cassie, Dad will drop it at school when he leaves for work. "Thanks mama, I love you" I love you to bug, have a great day.
That was the entire conversation that took all of 30 seconds but realized I am a very lucky woman/mother to have such an awesome little girl that feels the need to tell me she loves me even after a morning like the one we had.
At lunch she calls to see how I am doing and how my day is and I realize I am just plain ole crazy. Not because our mornings are hectic and busy and because I expect things to go the way I planned them to but because I actually pressure myself to pressure my kid to do things a certain way. I know it is an impossible thought to even think that I could get my 12 year old to organize and follow every direction and rule I give to her. I am also crazy to think that my life is anything other than perfect. We may have wild Monday mornings, and my kid forgets everything under the sun and would forget her head if it wasn't attached but I know that I am also crazy to feel that it should all happen like it did on the beaver c leaver show or on the brady bunch show.
Far from the brady's but better off I suppose because what we ahve is real and it isn't scripted and made up. You can't ever really replace the way a mother connects with her child and vice versa.
I'm okay with crazy! Matter of fact I love crazy now that I know what it is.
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